,,know the feeling when a gun is infront of your face..touching your skin
- how fragile is a human life
its funny.. cuz in anatomy and fisiology they teach you how damn complicate
is the human body..millions of different process happens when you just ate an apple and when you pick something you drop
but.. just a little pieace of metal can end it all

pleople prepare some hard method to die..when the only fact that you stopped breathing.can also kill you
find a way to stop your heart
how come that is always in my mind ?

even its soo easy
the hard part sometimes is pulling the trigger
and decide to do so
die sounds so easy.
but how come i'm not able to do it
people die for meanless and little things
and i do them all and more.. and i'm still here


maybe the ending is just another start
heaven hell.. or just the nothing
how can be sure
what lies after the bullet
we all wanna know

.. last friday i was supposed to go to my college psych.
its not like i wanted to.. but the ..secrety or whatever she is of the
headmaster of my faculty.. made me go
but i forogt cuz i was drinking with a friend in a bar :P
so i went today cuz the lady was whinning yesterday that i dind't go

the thing is that i went today.. and in my language the first thing he
said was "que onda" .. which i would translate "whats up"
i was like.. ok.. what a weird old man

i felt like whnning today so i started to tell some things.. i'm such
an idiot for trusting strangers
-- what i hated was his asnwer
-- he said that i was looking for it
that if i keep smoking weed i wil get "fucked" [he said "coger" which
i would translate to "fuck"] one day .-- by my friends.. and i will
get a ETS and idk what the fuck
he said he was a profesional that he has treated many peps.. but what
kinna professional would tell his patiences that they will get fucked
if they contiuning doing something-- and i dind't look for what
happned to me.. its not like i said.. "hey i'm totally stonned.. come
to abuse of me"

its not like i smoke weed to always get totally stonned anyway

but.. arg-- i was sooo mad-- i just left the place and he even dare to
made another appoitment with me

like hell i will go

then i started to cry lol but not infront of that old man :P

i didnt ask for what happened to me!!!
it was kinna my fault for smoking in a open place -- but its not like
i asked for it

From now on i hate taco bell .. yesh.. i hate it.. i used to like the food.. but now i hate the
people.. its not the food's fault.. its the people--

i was in the bathroom.. doing what i had to do.. drank to much beer
lol and you know what it does .. you want to go to pee every 5 mins.-
well maybe its just me.. the thing is that--- when i was there my bf
and some friends [note. just my bf was the only boy.. the rest was
girls] were waitng for me so we could eat later besides the door.. in
that "restaurant"--when some wannabe punks [accordning to a friend
they were real punks but they looked trully wannabes for me] --walked
infront of them and one of them hit my bf after daying "what are you
looking at emo" .. and hurt his nose -- when i went out they told me
what happened and yesh the "police" of the place only oppened the door
so the guys could go out.. cuz thats the only thing they do there..
open the door--.. i entered the guys bathroom and he was there..
bleeding.. from his nose and his tooth broken.. yupz-- he's such a
girl and delicate and those bastards hit him to hard to broke his
tooth--

i was so piised lol.. i just kinna rant when we were mkaing the order
about how shitty the police they were.. cuz the only thing they could
do was oppen the door--

and then we start to eat.. then he left the place.. i followed him and
in that parking lot ..to talk and some of my bf's friend came and
started to yell "who did this to you.. tell us where they went .." and
i started to yell ".. hey idiots.. don't go" -- and aparently.. the
manager of taco bell thought we were "fighitng inside the place" -- i
was like "wtf"-- i didn't do anything.. and my bf didn't do anything
either- .. and the old lady said "yeah but we cant' solve your
problems" -- i was like wtf.. i'm not asking to solve any problems --
i'm not saying anything.. they got mad cuz my bf made a mess in the
bathroom.. -- lol yeah he was bleeding of course he was going to make
a mess -- and it was "inside"-- we didn't know those guys.. and they
hit him?
and they closed the door with key!!!!! and didn't let me in!! and said
"you guys just give troubles dont' bring them here" -- some other
friends were inside lol.. they had to wait to open the door
the stupid thing is that another friend.. just cuz she was wearing
black didn't let her in! and she had nothing to do with that !!!!--
arg--.. idiots.. and racism.. or whatever-- i hate that people
discrimate others just the way they look..--- or dress or think-- hey
people is people.. so what if i dress black.. now cuz i like to wear
black i can't go in???-- cuz my bf was hit for doing nothing??
gosh.. fucking people--
i plan to throw empty bottles next saturday in the parking lot --

then his friend and him went for the guys [yerks --told them not to]
-- and those sissies.. called more friends with bats.. yes..bats.. and
20 -25 guys with bats started to hit them.. and they had to run and
then the wannabes started to yell "and weren't you a man ? " -- --
gosh when i heard that i mad.. and pissed.. cuz of course!! anyone
would be brave with like 20 agaist 3--and with bats!! where is the
courage and brave thing here???? -- idk what i'm rambling lol.. i just
want to ramble--
and jups they hit my bf in his head and -- he was like an hour all..
in silent. .and his friend was hit so hard in the head that he coun't
even walk staright

but yeah i started to cry and idk why-- proly cuz i was pissed

..sometimes.. it feels like.. being alive is not making any good lol
..i have a test tomorrow.. and i can't keep my concentratuin..after learning a name.. then i start thinking other stuffs and i can't stop crying,,and all i want to do is cut deeper..and it sucks that i can't lol.. i can't .. i'm even a lame cutter.. i can't do anything fine.. what i'm supposed to do.. i'm gonna fail this test.. this semester is my last chance and i'm screwing it all.. thats all i can do fine.. screw things..
how i can study.. if i keep falling appart.. idk why.. idk why i keep thinking weird things whever i'm trying to concentrate in something.. i can't keep my concentration for more than 2 mins :P
and i can't stop shaking lol.. my body doesn't stop

i so hate myeslf.. and i just wish i could have a lil of courage to end my own life.. tomorrow... in the morning i will buy some beers and drink some pills before the test.. is not like i'm gonna pass it anyway :P cuz i haven't study a thing.. just 3 and a half damn bones-- thats all..
gosh i suck so badly


i'm afraid that i will keep sucking in everything i try to do
so i'm gonna keep being a failure??
people say .."you can do it, you are very intelligent".. but how???.. i'm trying and i can't...-- and i feel like the biggest idiot alive


xposted

.. urm.. i'm not doing good in college and i still dunno how to say
that to my parents-
i like the mayor.. but i just FUCKING hate my college.. i hate it-- it
sucks hell.. it should die.!!!

 and i'm hurting my bf.. cuz idk if i luv him.. -- but i know if i say
things like that .. he might do someting crazy.. he's nuts =__=
i have a  good time with him.. but.. it just feel like he might love
me more than i lov him.. if that is even impossible.. or proly
everyword he says its a lie o.O-
well i know he lies when tells me i'm pretty.. =__= i'm a moster

i cut my hair.. and.. i regret it.. cuz now i can't cover my face with
my hair.. now people will see how ugly i am..and i'm starting to have
more pimples

--i talked recently,,to a friend.. told him.. i kinna cut.. tho i
don't do it as i used to.. t---- then he started to tell me about his
life.. i wasl ike.. oh fuck.. poor him.. he went throw many shits..
and somethings i also identify myself with them.. but.. he has lived
alone before being 18-- with his little brother.. .. his mother
doesn't give them money.. they spend daysi whtout food someitmes..
things.. that i havent go throw- and still he tries to live a happy
life
.. smoking, with drugs or whatever.. still trying to live the best..
and it made me feel pathethic lol

--- i'm just not sure.. i want to cut.. but i can't cuz i kinna
promised i would try to stop..

. meh.. i just want to stop breathing..
.. i hate that i'm just words and not acts
what for talking about i'm going to killmyself.. if i proly wont' ever
do it.. and it scares me..
the idea of living longer.. scares me
idk what to do lol

i'm not sure what i want anymore--
idk if i want something
or i want nothing
- i'm not sure what i'm looking for
- i can't keep going since there is no plan or purpose in my life
i want to get out of my home but the problem is then what
- i can't even think of prostitution since i'm not even good at sex-
gosh who would like to buy me?
anyway- i might end more traumatized than i already am- but that might
be a good thing at the end cuz i will have a good reason to killmyself
now and might increase my depression or whatever i have that makes me
feel like dying-

sometimes- i see the mirrow- and i can't even recognice myself at
times
i see that dirty face- with those horrible teeth and that big eyebrons
[can't sp] - and i just can't belive that monster is me
i'm so ugly
-- i'm so stupid
-- i'm so lost
-- i'm so idiot of keep complainng and not finding a way to get
better-- but i just dunno how anymore!! i dunno what i want -- and
gosh i would like some motivation for that

i'm a failure at college
and i'm tired that people keep gossip that about me
calling me names
- i'm just tired
its not like  i wanted to be this way-
i didnt chose to be here
- i don't want to be here

idk what who i'm trying to impress
god i'm not even english speaker so why the fuck i'm trying to improve
my english!!!
- i keep making silly mistakes after all those years of "practice"

i dunno what i'm thinking anymore
- *sigh*

my bf says that he's worry i might try to hurt myself-
ha ! he makes a drama everytime i cutmyself
i dunno how much longer he might stand me
i dunno if i'm being so selfish of keeping him for me- cuz i know i
might hurt him anytime
i feel like i shouldn't be iwth him
he doesn't deserve me-

- i'm so confused and empty  :(

i think i'm going to fail this year too..
i haven't study a thing
i spent all this week... drinking or thinking about him.. or just being with my friends..
it was ok..- but what about college..
i'm so afraid i will fail anatomy but i haven't done anything to solve that problem
i'm just a fucking failure..
and i have been eating a lot.. omg-- gives me nausea thinking about it.. the sad part is that i cna't start bulimia even if i want to cuz i just can't make myself vomit >_O--


i can't stan this feeling anymore.. its like i'm going crazy


and about love
well still heart broken.. and i still love my ex and we are still seing each other once in a while.. the last time i saw him was .. fun in a kinky way <3
and ther eis this guy.. i think he likes me.. hehe yeah its obvious but i don't like him in that way :/ he always give me stuffs but i just dunno.. i don't want to broke his heart either.. but i can't force myself to like him..

D: thats right - i'm so disgusting and omg i have been eating like a pig >__<"

and i can't evn read lester's email withou crying at the end of each line
geez whats wrong with me??? how ican stop it???
but damn i really miss him ;__; lester come back to me i need you right now
you were the only one who hugged me for no reason and mde me feel safe >_< i need that now

PS i need more toold D: my mom throw my blade and i so miss it right now

From:		LSD - view profile
Date:		Thurs, Dec 21 2006 1:22 am
Email:		"LSD" <mydirtytinywo...@gmail.com>
Groups:		-censored-

- nobody will be read this so i can rant as i please tight here .. and i will post this on ash later xD

i'm tired..
i'm tired of pretending i'm ok infront of my parents
i'm tired of teeling them i'm doing ok on my classes when they ask me
.. those are the only moments they talk with me-- my dad says "you are
not letting me down righ.." -- i say "no"-- what does he expect??-- of
course i won't say yes -- even that's what i'm doing right now
i'm tired of hearing all the mean comments about me
i'm tired of hearing people who says loves me but they don't really
mean it cuz i always find myself alone
i'm tired of crying everynight cuz i'm so confused and scared--  well
atm i'm not crying as i used to cuz tears just stop falling..

i feel bad for my parents cuz they are paying my college .. wishing me
for graduate.. it hurts to let them them.. specially my mom who is
always hoping to buy a new house-- but she "doesn't have enought money"
.. i wish i could tell her-- "mom i'm going to die.. so don't worry--
stop wasting money on me and save it for your house" --
at least my sister is going to start studying on college -- and she's
very smart .. i hope she can find a job and buy a house  for my mom and
the my mom is  still alive for living in that house she always dream
for

i wish i could die--  i wish i could stop breathing-- just drop
death-.-- some people die for little thigs like a tree fall over them
or a ball hit their head too hard -- or they were earting chicken and a
bone obstruct their throad ..- or they were walking pacefully on the
street thinking of their family and how happy they are .. when "bang"--
they got in the middle of a gansters fight and a lost bullet hit them--
i always walk on the street an nothing had happened--

i used to belive on god -- i prayed so hard for my little brother-- he
deserved to live-- i thought he woudln't let me down-- i wanted to say
him sorry cuz thanks to me he got sick-- i wanted to hug him once
again-- cuz my parents didn't let me to go to the hospital when he was
there-- and begged jesus for that-- and the next day my parents where
making the preparations for the funeral-- yeah-- god let me down-- and
i caused so much pain to my mother--  it hurted to listen her crying
everynight-- she thought everybody was sleeping-- but i was just
pretening i was asleep-- and i cried with her in silence--

then a friend went to a coma-- so i prayed again-- and welll he woke
up-- and i started to belive on god a bit -- but still

people say "you are never alone-- god loves you".. -- hehe crap
so why i always feel lonely?--  god hasn't tell me he loves me either--

well as long as he takes good care of my family-- i give crap about
everything
he doesn't let me die-- i always survive in all my tried-- or maybe i'm
not trying to hard--
my little sister might be the reason why i'm not trying to hard-- i
know i will cause her pain--but i'm just a selfish human-- cuz i just
focus on my pain-- i can't hold it anymore---
i know i'm not the only one suffering-- i know that--

i just need to think a way to apologize to my parent for letting them
down
and sorry for my mom for causing her all this pain
 thanks to me--she stopped going to school-- now thanks to me-- she
lost her baby
is all cuz of me ;__; --- its like everything i touch it-- i destroy it
when i think of her.. the song "hate me"of blue obtover plays on my
head --" hate me today-- hate me tomorrow .. hate me so you can see
what's good for you".. sorry mom-- i didn't mean to cause you all this
pain-- sorry for being alive-- sorry for born--

just two weeks more--
i'm also afraid of surviving-- and the "after die".. noone is sure what

i thought about the darvon coctail--but i don't want to spend money
with medicines so--
i can't try hanging up myself.. -- i don't want get throw pain--
 i will just cut my wrist-- i will make sure this time-- i cut really
deep-- and for not feeling anything-- i will put my hand on cold
water--  i will see how my fithy blood .. come out from my body-- that
stupid liquid that keeps me alive-- that keeps my heart beating --
 i just need to find a better place-- but at this time-- it will be my
bedroom-- with luck-- i won't die on my bedroom --cuz there is
firefigheter station near my home-- i hope i can die on the way to the
hospital-- they don't have blood units in the ambulance so there is no
way they can keep be alive if they don't stop the hemorrhage

[/rant done]