Cry

What i cried the most is not cuz I miss what we used to do
Is cuz of the things we might have done but we never did.

What i cried the most is not the fact that you are not here
It was cuz of the dreams you had and now its all gone

What i cried the most wasn't looking your mother crying
It was looking your brother devastated

What i cried the most wasnt cuz of the words i said in your funeral
It was cuz i wanted you to hear them and i wanted to say more..

What i cried the most wasn't cuz I lost you
It was cuz a star stopped giving its warm.


Its just that it was to soon for all this.

 

.. for cutting..

what are my reason.. of wanting to cut my own fless?

How even i’m destructive with my own body, i can’t destroy my entire life.

Is like playing with suicide…you know.. not actually die.. but pretend i might one day, stare at the blood, Somehow, thats the only way i like myself, bleeding, that scarlet color really suits me.  Blood really covers all my defects, i can be pretty for one moment, i can punish myself for being myself, i can cry without trying to flow tears from my eyes after they have totally dried., .  That itching feeling when your clothes touch your skin after cut .. *sigh* i so miss it.

How come people want me to stop it, its not like smoking, it won’t give me cancer, it makes me feel better.

But still, admiting that i do it, makes me feel weak, and when people see my cuttings, the flesh ones, makes me feel, like unprotected, like i were naked, they can see my weakness, they will see that i can’t face life as they do, that i’m weak,.

I hate me.. i hate me i hate me, so proly thats the main reason i feel like hurting myself.
I like to cut and all, but i hate how is that thought is like 89%  [or more] of the time  in my head, i’m always thinking of it, …ALWAYS in my head, remembering the feeling, the smell of it, its color, its sensation… i can’t stop..
I’m staring at my arm at this moment, i see the scars, i hate people to see them, but i want more, i want more deeps one, i want to cover all my arm, my legs.. i have even feel the urge to cut my face but i havent’ do it.

PS i have been more than 2 months free cut btw... but the feeling won't leave me..

andin other news .. i will finished to move tomorrow
damn this moving house is soo damn tired =____=

Dear Steve:

  I know you are in heaven right now, you know.. you would be 11 right now XD wahh..
you have no idea how sorry i am, i wish you were here, and i wish i werent here. It was pretty hard from mom when you left,
idk if you could hear her from there, but i hear her form here, everynight, when she thought nobody was listening, i always pretended i was asleep while hearing her crying, she really suffered.  Its not that we haven't forgoten, damn you are in our heats, and you will be always here, even we want or not, i miss you, and i'm sorry that i didn't take care of you, i bet you would be here if it wasn't for me, i'm really sorry.

I hope we could meet one day and we could celebrate your bday for real. And then i could hug you.. i want to hug you, you have no idea how much i miss you in my arms.. well idk if you will grow in heaven so if you get pretty big, be sure of giving me a kick or something in case you are too big that i dont recognize you :P
hope you made diet .. cuz you were pretty fat you know XD you were so heavy..

You know, i'm scared of living.. but i'm also scared of dying..i just wish i could know for sure that if i die i will see you again, it woudn't be that scary, i can't keep going this longer anymore, even i don't end it with my own hands.. live will be over.. sooner or later..

I'm sick of being in this world.. i wish we could be all together in peace and be a family again, cuz after you diedmom and dad stopped sleeping together,yeah they started to fight more, but it wasn' you fault. So no  worries, they just didn't know how to handle the idea that you werent her with us anymore, so bad it was just a little time.

*kisses*

- your big sis who still can't forgive herself for being such a bad sister

 ---- hope you can forgive me one day
cuz you know.. i will never forgive myself

 

i've heard bad comments about this one
but hey.. it wasn't that bad :D
The plot was okie thought i was expenting something else like .. "finding the cure" or something
but my firends are right.. it would be to much movie
what i like the most.. besides the gory effects which were awesome..- like the part of the people jumping in the bulding .. or the people hanging on the trees.-- XD zomg .. could.. made me feel jelous,,
-- the thing is what i like the most is the way that they struggle to life no matter what.. and the sad parts when they realize .. after erasing all the little things that were around them and focusing which is really important ..they could realize what they really need.. stick together
-- also what it teaches us..
-- that we should blame ourselves for what happening..
don't say "people" cuz it seams that we are all people..so its OUR fault that this world is going all crappy
that prices are getting higer and we dont' save .. and we dont' realize what are we screawing up.. till its to late and all the things we screawed will come back to ourselves

.. tho it was sad for that little girl.. to see it all
and to think how many kids and innocent peps died..
but oh well .. its only a movie
but how sure we are that it might not happen
well i'm not sure if we really have that neurotransmiter that doesn't let us to hurt ourselves
mine might be kinna broken XP

,,know the feeling when a gun is infront of your face..touching your skin
- how fragile is a human life
its funny.. cuz in anatomy and fisiology they teach you how damn complicate
is the human body..millions of different process happens when you just ate an apple and when you pick something you drop
but.. just a little pieace of metal can end it all

pleople prepare some hard method to die..when the only fact that you stopped breathing.can also kill you
find a way to stop your heart
how come that is always in my mind ?

even its soo easy
the hard part sometimes is pulling the trigger
and decide to do so
die sounds so easy.
but how come i'm not able to do it
people die for meanless and little things
and i do them all and more.. and i'm still here


maybe the ending is just another start
heaven hell.. or just the nothing
how can be sure
what lies after the bullet
we all wanna know

.. last friday i was supposed to go to my college psych.
its not like i wanted to.. but the ..secrety or whatever she is of the
headmaster of my faculty.. made me go
but i forogt cuz i was drinking with a friend in a bar :P
so i went today cuz the lady was whinning yesterday that i dind't go

the thing is that i went today.. and in my language the first thing he
said was "que onda" .. which i would translate "whats up"
i was like.. ok.. what a weird old man

i felt like whnning today so i started to tell some things.. i'm such
an idiot for trusting strangers
-- what i hated was his asnwer
-- he said that i was looking for it
that if i keep smoking weed i wil get "fucked" [he said "coger" which
i would translate to "fuck"] one day .-- by my friends.. and i will
get a ETS and idk what the fuck
he said he was a profesional that he has treated many peps.. but what
kinna professional would tell his patiences that they will get fucked
if they contiuning doing something-- and i dind't look for what
happned to me.. its not like i said.. "hey i'm totally stonned.. come
to abuse of me"

its not like i smoke weed to always get totally stonned anyway

but.. arg-- i was sooo mad-- i just left the place and he even dare to
made another appoitment with me

like hell i will go

then i started to cry lol but not infront of that old man :P

i didnt ask for what happened to me!!!
it was kinna my fault for smoking in a open place -- but its not like
i asked for it

From now on i hate taco bell .. yesh.. i hate it.. i used to like the food.. but now i hate the
people.. its not the food's fault.. its the people--

i was in the bathroom.. doing what i had to do.. drank to much beer
lol and you know what it does .. you want to go to pee every 5 mins.-
well maybe its just me.. the thing is that--- when i was there my bf
and some friends [note. just my bf was the only boy.. the rest was
girls] were waitng for me so we could eat later besides the door.. in
that "restaurant"--when some wannabe punks [accordning to a friend
they were real punks but they looked trully wannabes for me] --walked
infront of them and one of them hit my bf after daying "what are you
looking at emo" .. and hurt his nose -- when i went out they told me
what happened and yesh the "police" of the place only oppened the door
so the guys could go out.. cuz thats the only thing they do there..
open the door--.. i entered the guys bathroom and he was there..
bleeding.. from his nose and his tooth broken.. yupz-- he's such a
girl and delicate and those bastards hit him to hard to broke his
tooth--

i was so piised lol.. i just kinna rant when we were mkaing the order
about how shitty the police they were.. cuz the only thing they could
do was oppen the door--

and then we start to eat.. then he left the place.. i followed him and
in that parking lot ..to talk and some of my bf's friend came and
started to yell "who did this to you.. tell us where they went .." and
i started to yell ".. hey idiots.. don't go" -- and aparently.. the
manager of taco bell thought we were "fighitng inside the place" -- i
was like "wtf"-- i didn't do anything.. and my bf didn't do anything
either- .. and the old lady said "yeah but we cant' solve your
problems" -- i was like wtf.. i'm not asking to solve any problems --
i'm not saying anything.. they got mad cuz my bf made a mess in the
bathroom.. -- lol yeah he was bleeding of course he was going to make
a mess -- and it was "inside"-- we didn't know those guys.. and they
hit him?
and they closed the door with key!!!!! and didn't let me in!! and said
"you guys just give troubles dont' bring them here" -- some other
friends were inside lol.. they had to wait to open the door
the stupid thing is that another friend.. just cuz she was wearing
black didn't let her in! and she had nothing to do with that !!!!--
arg--.. idiots.. and racism.. or whatever-- i hate that people
discrimate others just the way they look..--- or dress or think-- hey
people is people.. so what if i dress black.. now cuz i like to wear
black i can't go in???-- cuz my bf was hit for doing nothing??
gosh.. fucking people--
i plan to throw empty bottles next saturday in the parking lot --

then his friend and him went for the guys [yerks --told them not to]
-- and those sissies.. called more friends with bats.. yes..bats.. and
20 -25 guys with bats started to hit them.. and they had to run and
then the wannabes started to yell "and weren't you a man ? " -- --
gosh when i heard that i mad.. and pissed.. cuz of course!! anyone
would be brave with like 20 agaist 3--and with bats!! where is the
courage and brave thing here???? -- idk what i'm rambling lol.. i just
want to ramble--
and jups they hit my bf in his head and -- he was like an hour all..
in silent. .and his friend was hit so hard in the head that he coun't
even walk staright

but yeah i started to cry and idk why-- proly cuz i was pissed

..sometimes.. it feels like.. being alive is not making any good lol
..i have a test tomorrow.. and i can't keep my concentratuin..after learning a name.. then i start thinking other stuffs and i can't stop crying,,and all i want to do is cut deeper..and it sucks that i can't lol.. i can't .. i'm even a lame cutter.. i can't do anything fine.. what i'm supposed to do.. i'm gonna fail this test.. this semester is my last chance and i'm screwing it all.. thats all i can do fine.. screw things..
how i can study.. if i keep falling appart.. idk why.. idk why i keep thinking weird things whever i'm trying to concentrate in something.. i can't keep my concentration for more than 2 mins :P
and i can't stop shaking lol.. my body doesn't stop

i so hate myeslf.. and i just wish i could have a lil of courage to end my own life.. tomorrow... in the morning i will buy some beers and drink some pills before the test.. is not like i'm gonna pass it anyway :P cuz i haven't study a thing.. just 3 and a half damn bones-- thats all..
gosh i suck so badly


i'm afraid that i will keep sucking in everything i try to do
so i'm gonna keep being a failure??
people say .."you can do it, you are very intelligent".. but how???.. i'm trying and i can't...-- and i feel like the biggest idiot alive


xposted

.. urm.. i'm not doing good in college and i still dunno how to say
that to my parents-
i like the mayor.. but i just FUCKING hate my college.. i hate it-- it
sucks hell.. it should die.!!!

 and i'm hurting my bf.. cuz idk if i luv him.. -- but i know if i say
things like that .. he might do someting crazy.. he's nuts =__=
i have a  good time with him.. but.. it just feel like he might love
me more than i lov him.. if that is even impossible.. or proly
everyword he says its a lie o.O-
well i know he lies when tells me i'm pretty.. =__= i'm a moster

i cut my hair.. and.. i regret it.. cuz now i can't cover my face with
my hair.. now people will see how ugly i am..and i'm starting to have
more pimples

--i talked recently,,to a friend.. told him.. i kinna cut.. tho i
don't do it as i used to.. t---- then he started to tell me about his
life.. i wasl ike.. oh fuck.. poor him.. he went throw many shits..
and somethings i also identify myself with them.. but.. he has lived
alone before being 18-- with his little brother.. .. his mother
doesn't give them money.. they spend daysi whtout food someitmes..
things.. that i havent go throw- and still he tries to live a happy
life
.. smoking, with drugs or whatever.. still trying to live the best..
and it made me feel pathethic lol

--- i'm just not sure.. i want to cut.. but i can't cuz i kinna
promised i would try to stop..

. meh.. i just want to stop breathing..
.. i hate that i'm just words and not acts
what for talking about i'm going to killmyself.. if i proly wont' ever
do it.. and it scares me..
the idea of living longer.. scares me
idk what to do lol